Why You Should Choose Contentment over Happiness
This article contains some affiliate links to resources you may find useful, at no extra costs to you. All opinions are my own.
There’s nothing like being faced with physical pain, heartache and the practical limitations of chronic illness to make you ponder all of life’s big questions.
Why is this happening to me? What’s the point of living if all I’m doing is surviving instead of thriving?
What’s my place in the world if I can’t contribute or use my talents anymore? How will I ever learn to accept this pain and find a way to move forward?
All throughout history, people struggling with adversity have been reflecting on mortality, the meaning of life, and their evolving identity and roles in this new reality. In recent years, Stoicism has (re)gained a lot of popularity. This ancient Greek philosophy dating back to 300 BCE teaches four key virtues – courage, temperance, justice and wisdom – to help us pursue a good life, even in the face of life’s challenges.
With a growing number of books and articles on Stoicism, it made me wonder: Is there anything we can learn from this classic school of thought about dealing better with hardship like chronic illness and disability today?
Well, Stoicism teaches you to focus on the things you can control—like your thoughts and habits — while accepting what’s out of your hands, such as your genetic predispositions or the way other people react. By emphasizing resilience and the importance of your perspective on life, Stoicism could help you better manage suffering and find meaning in challenging circumstances.
And when you’re struggling to accept your new reality of living with chronic illness, there’s one Stoic principle that could be especially helpful to deal with that: Amor Fati.
How ‘Amor Fati’ Can Help You Accept Your Chronic Illness
Amor Fati means “love of fate”, and this Stoic principle encourages you to embrace everything that happens in your life – the good and the bad— as part of a meaningful bigger picture.
Instead of resisting events outside of your control, you’re called to not only accept them, but even love them. This may sound impossible if you’re physically and emotionally exhausted and in pain every day, I know. But loving your fate doesn’t mean surrendering to suffering – it’s more about finding inner peace, personal growth, and purpose in whatever life presents us.
When it comes to applying Amor Fati to living with chronic illness and disability, it involves shifting your mindset so that you can cultivate a sense of acceptance over time. You recognize that the difficulties you’re facing are part of your life’s unique journey, and ideally you will find some meaning in your struggle.
A more modern psychological tool related to Amor Fati is the concept of ‘radical acceptance’, developed by Marsha Linehan, the founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). This involves deeply and fully accepting reality as it is, without judgement or resistance, because fighting against aspects of life that are beyond your control will only cause additional suffering.
And there seems to be some truth to that, because research confirms that people who are able to accept negative emotions (instead of avoiding or suppressing them) experience less emotional distress and better mental health. What’s more, patients who practice acceptance of chronic pain tend to report lower levels of depression and anxiety, and better overall physical functioning.
That sounds helpful, but how can you apply the principle of Amor Fati to (radically) accept your chronic illness and new reality?
I’m not a philosopher of any kind but here are some Stoicism-related psychological strategies to get you started.
1. Focus on what you can control
“Some things are up to us and some things are not up to us.” – Epictetus
When you’re sick and your body and brains no longer function the way they ‘should’, so much of your life feels out of your hands. During these tough times, Amor Fati reminds you that while you can’t control everything, you can choose your response. Like psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl famously said,
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
So increase your sense of personal control by focusing on the small things that are within your power. For example, maybe you have to ask for help more often than you’d like, but you can still maintain a sense of independence by using aids and making your own choices. And even though you won’t feel better instantly, building healthy habits like gently moving your body and eating nutrient-rich meals can help you better manage your symptoms.
2. Rewrite your story
“People are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them.” — Epictetus.
While I don’t fully agree with Epictetus – chronic pain, flare-ups and mental health problems definitely disturb your daily life – he was right about one thing: The way you look at and interpret life events has a bigger impact on how you feel and behave, and your overall wellbeing, than you might think. The stories you tell yourself about your health, your identity, your life and the world around you do shape your core beliefs, which in turn influences your actions.
That’s why it’s important to mind your inner dialogue. For example, reframing stressful situations as challenges that you can learn to overcome will unconsciously activate more problem-solving strategies than when you see negative events as a threat. To start changing your thinking patterns, click here to rewrite your life story or let go of unhelpful thoughts.
Also look for the silver linings. Behind every metaphorical dark cloud, you can find something positive too. You still wish you’d never gotten sick, but your illness may have taught you patience, compassion and resilience, or made you appreciate parts of life you used to take for granted.
Listing the positives of a negative situation doesn’t take your pain away nor does it make your pain any less valid and justified. But searching for the small good things in life can make it easier to bear the big bad things. You could also keep a gratitude journal to notice everything that is still going right, as well as the hidden opportunities you’ve found through your challenges.
3. Practice mindfulness
“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” ―
Ok, the term mindfulness may sound more like Buddhism than Stoicism, but the ancient Greeks did make a point of striving for peace of mind – Marcus Aurelius’ famous notebook is called Meditations after all. That’s why practicing mindfulness can help you to stay present with your thoughts, emotions and physical sensations without passing judgment.
When you feel frustration, anger or grief about your illness, rather than pushing those feelings away, allow yourself to fully feel them. Notice them, accept them and let them pass through without resistance. This doesn’t mean resigning yourself to misery, but rather acknowledge that this moment, as difficult as it is, is a part of life.
You can also try mindfulness exercises like walking meditations and really paying attention to daily chores to find some inner peace in turbulent times.
4. Find new meaning
“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” – Marcus Aurelius
It really hurts when living with chronic illness stops you from doing work you love and achieving dreams that are meaningful to you. You may grieve your old self or struggle with that feeling of unfulfilled potential. But part of accepting your new reality is to find a new purpose in life.
It doesn’t have to be a grand goal like setting up a foundation for your illness or becoming a health advocate – although those surely are worthy pursuits! But simply being a good friend, spreading kindness, taking small steps to care for the environment or doing inner work can also provide some purpose and connect you to something that’s bigger than you – your community, nature, spirituality, the world.
For more ideas on how to uncover your purpose with limited energy, take a look at Your Guide to Find New Meaning When Chronic Illness Turns Life Upside Down.
By practicing the Stoic principle of Amor Fati, you can cultivate a mindset that sees life’s challenges — including chronic illness — not only as painful, pointless experiences, but also as (albeit unwanted) opportunities for transformation and deeper appreciation for the good things in life. Over time, this ancient Greek philosophy could help ease your suffering, by radically accepting your reality and finding new meaning in the process.
To learn more about Stoicism and how it can help you live a virtuous life in all circumstances, grab a copy of ‘Obstacle is The Way’ or ‘The Daily Stoic: 365 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance and the Art of Living’, both written by Ryan Holiday.
Have you ever turned to philosophy to help you deal with difficult times?
Check out more useful schools of thought in What Philosophy Can Teach You About Living Well with Chronic Illness.
