When Life Feels Unfair, What Can You Do?

When you’re faced with one painful health problem after the next, while medical bills are stacking up and you don’t get the support of family and friends that you’d hoped for, it’s totally normal that life feels unfair.

Living with a chronic illness like heart disease, myotonic dystrophy or chronic bowel problems can be overwhelming. Although initially it may come as a shock to get a diagnosis, often the hardest part about being chronically ill is that your symptoms last and last, for months and years, without catching much of a break.

On the contrary – you may even get sucked into a negative spiral, when your pain stops you from being able to sleep well and move your body, which results in even poorer health, which in turn affects your work life and financial security, your relationships and your mental wellbeing.

No wonder it can feel really unfair that this is your life now. You might be wondering, why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve so much pain and hardship in my life? Is this some kind of plan from God or a lesson from the Universe that I missed, or that I’m supposed to figure out? 

When the symptoms, heartache and practical problems keep piling up, the unfairness of it all can make you feel frustrated, jealous and angry at the world, or leave you in a defeated state, filled with a sense of hopelessness. And although we all feel that way sometimes, that’s not a good place to stay in. How you view the world affects how you think, feel and act, and your thoughts, emotions and behavior have a major impact on your physical and mental wellbeing.

So if life feels unfair right now, what can you do to cope? That depends on your unique character and situation, but have a look at 6 general strategies.

1. Life isn’t fair…

… or unfair. It just is. Religion and cultural narratives deeply ingrained into our mind can make us think that what happens to us is directly linked to something we did or who we are as a person. That we get what we deserve in life.

But sadly, bad things happen to good people every day. You only have to turn on the news to see that accidents, crime and natural disasters can happen to anyone at any time. And that’s a scary thought – maybe even crippling to some people. That’s why we develop unconscious ideas that being and doing good can somehow protect you against terrible events. Deep down, we may even believe that if someone does end up in a tough situation, they must have done something wrong…

You may look at others and think their physical and mental health, their financial status or the way their children behave, whether that’s good or bad, are mostly caused by their own doing. But our genes, our upbringing and life experiences, and our physical and social environment also play an important role in our lives.

Not everything is within our control. Unfortunately, we don’t get to choose where we are born in the world, nor do we have much influence on the outcome of many events. Sometimes people get away with hurtful comments and toxic behavior without any lessons learned or justice for the ones they wronged.

The sooner you accept that the idea that life is supposed to be fair is not realistic, the easier it becomes to ease the rumination, blame and guilt you might feel when you’re faced with hardship.

Accepting that reality does not mean you shouldn’t be upset or angry over social injustice or that it’s pointless to stand up for what’s right. Just the opposite – we can all contribute to making positive changes, big and small. But when life feels unfair, you don’t want those feelings to build up inside and turn you into a bitter or cynical person.

In that spirit…

2. Don’t take everything personal.

When you’re sick and tired of overcoming obstacle after obstacle on your way while others seem to be cruising through life, you may start to think that you were dealt a bad card in life, that you’re always the unlucky one, that there must be something wrong with you.

And your brain will start to look for evidence to back up those beliefs. If you don’t feel your illness is taken seriously by others and someone questions you about your health, your mind will spot it immediately and go, “See? I knew it! They never believe me.” But maybe your acquaintance was -clumsily – showing interest in how you’re doing or trying to understand what it’s like living with a chronic illness.

We all make these ‘thinking errors’, and you can often recognize them by the overuse of generalizing words like “always”, “never”, and “should”. Personalization is the cognitive distortion that you are somehow the reason why something’s happening, and it’s often coupled with mind reading, when you’re convinced you know what someone else is thinking (about you).

But don’t read too much into your misfortune. Ok, your religious and spiritual beliefs will shape how you feel about this topic, but bad things happening to you isn’t necessarily a sign that “you must have done something to deserve this” or that “this was meant to be”. Sure, there are always things we can take away from hardship to grow as a person, but persistent blame, guilt and resentment usually don’t make bad situations any better.

With that in mind…

3. Stop comparing yourself to others.

We all know that comparison is the thief of joy. And one of the reasons that life feels unfair is that we rank our wellbeing, achievements and circumstances against those of others.

Why do my friends get to be healthy when they smoke, drink and eat junk food, while I do everything right and I’m still exhausted and in pain every single day? 

My sibling has this beautiful home that they hardly ever spend time in because they’re either always working or on holiday. And here I am, struggling to pay the rent, even though I’m stuck in bed so many hours of the day. 

But comparing yourself to others or keeping score is pointless. First of all, life isn’t fair. Some people get to live to be a 100 despite their unhealthy habits while others die way too young. Secondly, we rarely ever see the full picture of someone else’s life. We only catch glimpses of their days – all too often just the highlight reels or the dramas – so it’s easy to draw the wrong conclusions on what a person is truly doing, thinking and feeling.

And finally, to paraphrase Plato, everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. We all have our own problems, big and small, even if our lives seem perfect from the outside looking in. Sure, some people face more difficulties than others, but just because someone seems to be doing great, doesn’t necessarily make it true. Some blessings also come at a price – one that you might not be willing to pay. That’s why your comparisons might not even be based on reality.

At the same time, it can be helpful to remember that you’re not the only one going through this. Even though you may feel lost and alone, there are other people out there dealing with similar challenges and obstacles like you. If you can use the support, join (online) patient groups or chronic illness communities. Learn from the experience of others by reading biographical stories and how-to guides about the problem you’re struggling with.

When you realize this didn’t only happen to you, and you feel seen and heard by people who truly understand what you’re going through, you may find it easier to deal with those feelings of unfairness.

4. Acknowledge your underlying feelings.

The feeling that life’s unfair is a complicated emotion, that could be an expression of a combination of other primal emotions like anger, fear, shame or disappointment.

For example, if everyone around you is having babies, while you and your partner are struggling with fertility or not being healthy enough to raise a child, that feeling of unfairness may actually be made up of intense sadness, envy and anger at the Universe  – a mix of emotions that you can’t really pinpoint aside from a heartbroken “this is so unfair”.

Identifying the underlying emotions can help you process them and move forwards, with less resentment and unfairness in your heart. Once you understand exactly what it is you’re feeling, try to express your emotions in a healthy way, like talking to loved ones, journaling, moving your body, making art or just sitting with your feelings.

Sometimes, you have to grieve all the things in life that didn’t go as you’d hoped, and let go of expectations you had about what the future would look like, to be able to overcome your sense of unfairness.

5. Remind yourself of what is going right.

If you’re reading this, chances are that you have access to the Internet, a roof over your head and food on the table. Hopefully you do not live in a war zone, but in a country that aims to respect human rights, with drinkable water, basic health care and all kinds of privileges we take for granted.

Yes, I did say earlier you shouldn’t compare yourself to others, but sometimes it can be helpful to also take mental note of all the things that are still going well in your life.

Let me be clear: pointing out the positives does *not* make your heartache and hardship any less real or any less serious. It still sucks that you’re seriously sick, that people medically gaslight you, that your illness causes financial problems or strained relationships. Genuine gratitude for what you do have only lets you see that, in some areas, life is still “fair” and good.

So keep a gratitude journal listing 3 positive things that happened to you each night, practice savoring to notice and appreciate the good in every day, and celebrate the small victories of all the challenges you’re overcoming.

6. Focus on what you can control.

Part of what makes life feel unfair is that the outcome is often out of your hands. No matter how hard you try, there’s only so much control you have over your health, other people’s behavior, politics, cultural beliefs and nature.

But always remember, you are not powerless. Focus on what you can control.

So you may not get to choose what happens to you, but you do have influence over your response to events. Even if you’re going through tough times, you can still find calm in the chaos and rebuild your resilience. Your health may not be completely in your hands, but most of us are able to practice real rest, mindfulness and breathing exercises. You can build helpful habits to work towards meaning goals, and they don’t have to be huge lifestyle makeovers.

When faced with worldly problems like social injustice, discrimination and pollution, you can advocate for change in your own small ways. Lead by example, support good causes and vote with your money when possible.

If life feels unfair, don’t forget to celebrate the small wins along the way, instead of only seeing the mountain of work that still has to be done. You can be thankful and hopeful for a better future while accepting things are not ok today.

When you’re living with chronic pain, fatigue and other debilitating symptoms day in day out, it’s totally normal to feel that life is unfair sometimes. However, you don’t want your illness to take even more away from you and turn you into a hopeless, cynical or bitter person.

So over time, try to change your beliefs about (un)fairness. Don’t take bad things happening to you personal and stop comparing your life to the lives of others. Instead, see if you can identify the mix of emotions you’re feeling to process them. Always remember all the things that are still going right and focus on what you can control: your interpretations of events and your response.

“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.” ― Viktor E. Frankl

What do you do when life feels unfair?

Read more about dealing with difficult thoughts and emotions in ‘Feeling Negative? How to Let Go of Unhelpful Thoughts’ and ‘Your Guide to Finding New Meaning When Chronic Illness Turns Life Upside Down’.

You may also want to check out ’20 Optimism Quotes to Develop a Hopeful Outlook on Life’ or ’10 Sincere Ways You Can Still Feel Thankful When You’re Seriously Sick’.