How to Deal with Judgemental People When You’re Chronically Ill

“Thinking is difficult, that’s why most people judge.” – Carl Jung 

Let’s be honest: we’ve all made assumptions, jumped to conclusions and passed judgements on others without really knowing the full or true story. Nobody’s perfect, but it sure can be painful to be on the receiving end of judgemental people.

Sadly, so many of us with chronic illness have experienced unkind remarks about “being sick all the time” or how nice it must be to not have to work and chill at home all day. Not to mention the kindly phrased insinuations that you would get better if you’d only try yoga/drink celery juice/work harder/have the right mindset.

It hurts even more when acquittances, friends or family members doubt the seriousness of your symptoms.

Sometimes even the people who should be able to understand what you’re going through – like doctors and therapists – don’t take your concerns seriously. As VeryWell Mind defines it, medical gaslighting is the term used when medical professionals “dismiss or downplay a patient’s physical symptoms, or attribute them to something else, like a psychological condition.”

What makes medical gaslighting and opinions about your health situation so hurtful, is that it’s deeply personal. The judgements are not about that new outfit or your (poor) taste in music, they’re about your body, your looks and capabilities, your (lack of) character. Not always openly stated, but when you read between the lines, those comments often contain value-based assumptions about you.

When someone implies you’re just lazy, making up symptoms for sympathy or exaggerating things, that’s not easy to shrug off. You may get the urge to defend yourself, prove that you are really sick or working hard to get better or have some kind of clever comeback to shut them down, but that doesn’t always help set things straight or make you feel better.

How do you handle the judgemental people in your life when you’re chronically ill? That obviously depends on the situation – the hurtful comment, who’s making it, your personality – but here’s some general advice on how to cope emotionally and respond outwardly when dealing with judgemental people.

How to Cope Emotionally When People Judge You

First, make sure you’re actually dealing with a judgement. Sometimes we develop sensitivities around topics we struggle with personally, and we tend to interpret things more critically than they were meant. Maybe your friend is just asking ‘dumb’ questions about your illness because they don’t know anything about that condition and the ways it affects your daily life.

What’s more, seemingly critical comments like “You should try essential oils for you chronic pain, it worked for my headaches too” are probably said with the best intentions, because they want to see you happy and healthy again, and don’t know better ways to express that sentiment.

Not everyone has the medical knowledge to understand what it’s like to live with chronic illness, nor the communication skills to say the right things at the right time. And when we feel uneasy, we all have a tendency to brush things off with platitudes like “Oh you’re probably just stressed” or “Luckily you don’t have cancer.”

Also remind yourself how the human brain works. To navigate our complex world, our brains constantly have to sift through an overwhelming amount of input from our senses. In order to smoothly process all that sensory information, we unconsciously run it through existing mental frameworks about how we think life and the world work. When making these quick assumptions, we all make mistakes sometimes.

So try to see the difference between a one-off comment that came out wrong or wasn’t thought through (“But you don’t look sick”), and a repeated pattern of nasty remarks (“You can’t always be sick, you’re being a drama-queen.”)

No matter the intention behind it, acknowledge you’re hurt by that comment. It’s ok to feel sad, frustrated, defensive and disappointed when someone doesn’t take you seriously or downplays your experience – especially coming from people who should be supporting you, not bringing you down. When you are aware of how you feel, you can then find ways to cope well with these emotions.

“You never know what people are going through, because each person you meet has a story to tell, so instead of being judgemental, just listen well” – Charmaine J. Forde

Despite your emotions, try not to take it too personal. It’s cliche but true: judgements often say more about the person making those remarks than about you. Our opinions and underlying beliefs are shaped by our upbringing in a specific (sub)culture and our own life experiences. Invisible illness, dynamic disabilities and mental health problems can be difficult to understand for people who were raised in a time or place where no one spoke about these issues, or problems were shamefully swept under the carpet.

So things like generation gaps and cultural differences play a role in judgements too – and they have nothing to do with you.

Don’t internalize those judgements. Self-reflection is an important skill, and it can surely be helpful to check with yourself if there’s some truth to what someone says about you. Because nobody’s perfect and maybe you do tend to mostly share negative stories when you meet up with your friends, giving them he impression that your mindset is related to your illness – even if it is likely the consequence of being sick, not the cause. It’s ok to use negative feedback to learn something or make positive changes.

Bu at the same time, do not take harsh, value-based assumptions as a fact about yourself or your illness (experience). Do not think of yourself as lazy because someone accused you of “leeching off society”, when you know all too well that making it through your day takes more effort from you than they’ve ever had to do.

Try not to generalize. Negative experiences stick out in our brain, and we have a tendency to overlook the things that are going well, like kindness, support and compliments from the people in your life. When it feels like nobody’s on your side, remind yourself that not everyone is judging your scars, mocking your Prednison face or wondering why someone so young would need a walking aid.

So don’t let your mind trap you into making generalizations like “Everyone’s always making fun of me” and “Nobody will ever accept me for who I am”, and develop a habit of noticing the support you do get.

And always remember, your self-worth is not defined by what other people think of you. It’s easy to forget that your own value is not determined by actions outside of your control and that you don’t have to prove your worth to anyone.

Be proud of your optimism against all odds, how you dare to be vulnerable and your sensitive soul. To live with a chronic illness, you must have a resilient mind and a determined spirit that are both worth celebrating, even if not everyone sees that.

How to Respond Outwardly to Judgemental People

All those strategies to cope emotionally sound good, but in that moment when you receive criticism or nasty comments by others, how do you respond to these judgemental people?

The first judgement call you have to make is whether that person is worth your time, effort and emotions.

To Family, Friends and People Worthy of a Response

Don’t lash back. You might be itching to reply with a remark that’ll hurt your family member, friend or coworker as much as you are hurting now, but that won’t improve your relationships nor will it change someone’s mind about what they said to you. And even if your foggy brain can think of the perfect comeback in time, do you really want to lower yourself to their level of ignorance or meanness? So don’t strike back in anger and take a deep breath before you respond.

Explain, but don’t get defensive. Because you’re a grown person and you do not need approval or permission for your choices, lifestyle or illness experience from anyone. More so, some folks love discussions, and a defensive response can trigger substantive arguments going back and forwards instead of zooming in on what’s really happening, namely that their judgement, criticism or unsolicited advice has hurt your feelings.

For example, if someone bluntly says, “Why in the world would you need a wheel chair? I’ve seen you in the supermarket last week and you were walking just fine“, you could reply something like,

“Actually, [the name of your condition] is a dynamic disability, meaning that the kind and severity of my symptoms will change without warning from day to day, or even from moment to moment. So some days I’m able to go to the supermarket, and other times I cannot walk without aids.”

Briefly provide some relevant information, but don’t feel like you have to over-explain. You could share that even if it didn’t seem that way, you were in severe pain that day in the supermarket, but only to people who deserve you opening up about your illness. Educate those who are willing to listen with a few essential key points about your disease or everyday life so they can better understand your situation, but don’t hesitate to protect yourself from more criticism.

It also helps to set the ‘right’ tone. As hard as it is, a relatively calm voice and neutral wordings will probably be more effective in making someone see things differently than passive-aggressive eye-rolling, sighing or turning away.

With close friends or family members, you could let them know how their comments make you feel:

“I know you mean well, but when you give unsolicited advice about my health, it comes across as if you think I’m not well-informed or that I’m not trying hard enough to get better. And that hurts my feelings. In the future, can you/we please… [share how you prefer to talk about this topic]?”

Have realistic expectations of others. You should probably cut your 75-year old (grand) parent or (great)uncle – born in a different age, likely not up-to-date with all the scientific developments in medicine, psychology and patient care-  more slack for making insensitive comments than a medical specialist trained in patient communication. Plus, your doctor’s opinions matter much more for your diagnosis, treatment options and symptom management.

So choose your battles wisely – thank your (grand)parent for their (ill-worded) concern about your health before changing the subject, but do speak up for yourself in the doctor’s office.

Set healthy boundaries. If you know there’s a chance your brother-in-law will make a comment about you not working at a family dinner (again), practice what you’re going to reply and move on to a less divisive topic.

“Thanks for your concern John, but my inability to work is already being addressed by my medical team, employer and other experts. So how has your holiday been?”

It’s perfectly ok to let others know – kindly but clearly – that some subjects are just not open for discussion, or that they can keep certain opinions to themselves in the future. If you’re not naturally assertive, adopt a few standard phrases to set boundaries, before changing the conversation:

“I understand where you’re coming from, but that’s not my experience.”

“I appreciate you thinking of me, but sadly thinking positively/eating Paleo/exercising will not cure my condition.”

“You’re entitled to your opinion, but it hurts my feelings, so I’m not going to participate in this discussion anymore.”

To Strangers or People Not Worth Your Time

You’d think we all have enough on our plates to be minding our own business. But for some reason, you’ll probably still encounter people in life calling out things like “Should you be buying those cookies when you’re already overweight?” or “You look too beautiful to be needing that portable oxygen/hearing aids/cane”.

Here’s how you can handle judgemental strangers or acquaintances:

Shrug it off, if you can. Is it worth your time, effort and sanity to respond or get upset? Just remind yourself that that person clearly does not have the life experience, emotional intelligence or mental capacity to put themselves into your shoes. Comments from someone who barely knows you says nothing about your self-worth or the validity of your illness.

Shut the criticism down. On the other hand, you don’t have to accept criticism or insults, and sometimes the right thing to do is to stand up for yourself by putting an end to the judging. Depending on the situation, you could reply with “That’s your opinion” or “Sorry, but I’m not discussing this with you” and walk away.

Get out of the negative situation when possible. Again, you don’t have to engage with judgemental people – especially not (relative) strangers or people you only vaguely know. Don’t let anyone suck away your precious energy or steal your joy, so move away, ignore that person or look away.

Conclusion

When you’re chronically ill, it can be hurtful when the people in your life doubt the severity of your illness, criticize your lifestyle choices or make comments about your body, looks or abilities.

Hopefully this article has given you some hands-on advice to cope better emotionally and respond outwardly to the judgemental people you encounter.

For related psychological advice, check out ‘Losing Friends: What to Do When Friendships End Due to Chronic Illness’. Also feel better prepared with these 7 tips for effective communication with your e-doctor and learn how to  advocate for yourself at the doctor’s office.