The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise for Anxiety with Chronic Illness
It happens to the best of us. A friend casually mentions they’re “completely exhausted” from a busy week of work and socializing. Of course you nod empathetically, but something tightens in your chest. Because your friend will sleep in on Sunday, go for a walk and feel recharged again, while you haven’t felt rested in years. You would give anything to be tired from a normal day, instead of experiencing soul-crushing malaise after the simplest activity.
It’s not that you begrudge your friend’s health and happiness. You just feel this frustration building up in your body, about the unfairness of it all. When other people complain about things you’d love to be able to do or you watch them take their job, hobbies, relationships and body for granted, you’re not really mad at them, you kind of feel angry at the world.
Anger is a protective basic emotion, signaling when boundaries are being violated and spurring you to take action in dangerous or distressing situations. Being angry can help you become aware of your needs, get you fired up to reach challenging goals and even save your life when you’re threatened.
But if you keep getting worked up, constantly activating your body’s fight-or-flight response, anger can wreak havoc on your health and relationships. Aside from making bad decisions and saying things you might regret later, lingering anger can also raise your blood pressure, weaken your immunity and lead to insomnia, digestive problems and poorer mental health. And that’s the last thing you want when you’re already struggling with chronic illness.
When you feel angry at the world, what can you do to manage these big emotions?
The Psychology Behind Anger with Chronic Illness
When you’re chronically ill, you probably have multiple problems causing you to be angry. You’re mad at your body for betraying you. Maybe you have to fight to get help for your symptoms. That’s why you get even more annoyed when anyone tells you to ‘just stay positive’ or ‘try yoga’ to feel better. Plus, it’s frustrating that insurance companies make being sick even harder than it already is. And when your friends no longer stay in touch, there are so many things you wish you could say (or scream), if only it would change anything.
Anger with chronic illness is just a human response to a difficult situation.
But even if you have every reason to be mad and disappointed, anger can still actually be a secondary emotion, masking underlying feelings of sadness, fear, helplessness and shame. Psychologists call this the ‘Anger Iceberg’: you see the outbursts and irritability, but there are other emotions hidden under the surface. Anger protects you from scary feelings like grief and hopelessness, it gives you a sense of control when you feel powerless, and stops others from seeing your ‘weakness’.
To top it off, changes in your neurobiology also play a role in feeling anger with chronic illness. Research shows that chronic pain heightens the sensitivity and reactivity of the amygdala, the brain region that’s responsible for processing emotions and assessing threats. Simply put: your brain will react stronger to sensory input and intensify the perception of pain. What’s more, a hyperactive amygdala is also linked to emotional problems like anxiety and depression.
It’s not hard to see why frustration, resentment and even rage can build up over time when you’re living with chronic illness. You may feel so overwhelmed by all these stressors and emotions that it translates into a generalized anger at the world and life itself.
The question remains, how can you handle this pent-up anger in a healthy way?
5 Coping Strategies for When You’re Angry at the World
You might feel like lashing out when someone dismisses your disease, but that’s probably not the best way to stand up for yourself. Punching your pillow out of frustration of being sick may feel good for a moment (if you have the energy for it), but science has shown that that kind of ‘venting’ often makes you even angrier.
At the same time, suppressing your emotions can increase your stress levels, which in turn leads to a higher risk of hypertension, anxiety, depression and social disconnection. Especially if you’ve been taught to be a ‘good girl/guy’, silencing yourself so you won’t upset others can lead to more suppressed rage.
When you feel angry at the world, what can you do to cope, without pretending you’re fine or that chronic illness doesn’t suck?
1. ‘Name it to tame it’
It almost sounds too simple to be true, but putting your feelings into words is an effective strategy to manage difficult emotions. According to neuroimaging studies, ‘affect labeling’ reduces the activity of the amygdala, the brain region responsible for emotional reactions. Whether you say it out loud or in your mind, mentioning ‘I feel angry’ seems to create some space between a stressful event, your emotions and how you respond.
Naming your emotions can be especially important when you feel angry at the world, not one specific person or problem, but basically an entire societal system or even life itself. Because there is no one clear cause for your emotions but rather the overwhelm of everything combined, acknowledging your feelings can help you regulate them better.
Also look closer: what lies beneath your anger? Maybe it’s deep sadness that someone you love doesn’t support you the way you’d hoped, maybe you’re scared of losing your independence, which translates in irritation when your family tries to help you. Sometimes, just noticing what you feel deep down will melt away your anger.
2. Express yourself safely
Sadly, venting to the people around you often only adds fuel to the fire. Talking through your feelings with a friend to look for deeper insights and solutions can be helpful, whereas ranting to a group of coworkers or acquaintances could just keep you stuck reliving every negative detail.
On the other hand, expressing your emotions on paper has been shown to reduce psychological stress. You don’t have to write to a polished, grammatically correct story, but including what triggered your frustration, how it affected you physically and emotionally, and what the meaning of your anger could be, all help to process anger in a healthy way. A Japanese study even suggests that you could shred or burn that paper afterwards to ease angry feelings.
Give yourself space to feel your feelings, especially if you tend to don’t want to upset other people or rationalize why you ‘shouldn’t’ be angry. Two seemingly opposing views can coexist: you can see that someone didn’t mean to hurt you and still feel sad or annoyed at the same time.
3. Find your calm
This may sound like the last thing you want to do when you’re fuming with frustration, but research shows that any activity that lowers arousal also reduces your anger. Getting your nervous system out of ‘fight-or-flight’ mode will also put you in a calmer state of mind.
So when you’re getting worked up, breathe out slowly and repeat soothing phrases to yourself. Place your feet firmly on the ground and imagine that with every exhalation, anger leaves your body and gets released into the ground. You could also shift your attention away from what’s troubling you by doing a 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise or clear your mind by going for a walk.
Practicing relaxation techniques like breathing exercises, mindfulness, visualization and progressive muscle relaxation on a regular basis will make it easier to find your calm during emotional moments.
4. Mind your self-talk
When painful symptoms affect every aspect of your life yet you have to fight to be believed, it’s all too easy to get stuck in an angry mindset. But mentally repeating the hurtful things that were said and how unfair it all is, will not make you feel any better nor solve your problems.
So even when you do have every right to be upset, try to be aware of your inner monologue. Using words like ‘never’, ‘always’ or ‘should’ can be signs of automatic negative thought patterns that will only fuel feeling angry at the world. I know it feels like “nothing ever goes right for me” and “I always have to do everything alone”, but that’s probably not true and thinking that way won’t fix anything.
Instead, try to choose a more helpful thought when you notice you’re starting to ruminate. No need to be toxically positive and deny your problems, only add a dose of logic and reason to angry thinking that’s spinning out of control. You could also use humor to lighten up the mood and defuse your rage (just don’t get too cynical).
5. Let your anger fuel change
Like we’ve said earlier, anger can point out what’s wrong or what matters deeply to you. If you’re upset about real and serious problems like chronic illness, financial troubles and strained relationships, use your anger to make some changes.
Explore how you can advocate for your needs at the doctor’s office or at work. Practice phrases to help you deal with judgmental people so you feel more empowered (and you can stop coming up with all the great comebacks you wish you’d said in that moment). Come to terms with the fact that life isn’t fair and that bad things happen to good people. Focus your limited energy on the people and activities that support your wellbeing and let go of what’s weighing you down.
Basically, reconsider your priorities in life, strengthen your problem-solving skills and learn how to communicate better.
Conclusion
It’s completely normal to feel angry at the world when you’re overwhelmed with pain, problems and emotions. But constantly bottling up frustration and rage will hurt your health and happiness over time.
So explore ways to cope with anger with chronic illness: name your (underlying) feelings, express your emotions in a healthy way, practice relaxation techniques and mind your self-talk. Finally, try to understand the purpose of your anger, so you can make lasting changes.
For more related advice, take inspiration from ’14 Advocacy Quotes to Stand Up for Yourself’ and ‘Feeling Negative? How to Let Go of Unhelpful Thoughts’. Also check out ‘When Life Feels Unfair, What Can You Do?’
