How to Tell the Difference Between Limiting Beliefs and Healthy Boundaries

It used to drive me crazy as a young girl struggling with chronic illness: every medical expert had different advice about dealing with chronic pain, debilitating fatigue and brain fog, sometimes even contradicting each other.

One day, my physical therapist would encourage me to “keep going, do one more rep, you’re almost there”. But the next day, the occupational therapist would ask why I hadn’t protected my boundaries and stayed within what my body could handle, to avoid post-exertional malaise and the negative spiral that follows.

So many of us with health problems are familiar with this balancing act: listening to what your body’s telling you without getting stuck under a self-imposed ceiling. Where does a limiting belief end and a healthy boundary begin? 

Let’s take a closer look at what the science says.

What are “limiting beliefs” exactly?

A limiting belief is a thought, idea or mental pattern that tells you you can’t do something, often without testing whether that belief is actually still true.

Limiting beliefs are a subconscious effort of your brain to protect you from repeating negative experiences you’ve had in the past. Maybe someone made fun of you while you were doing a school presentation. So now you’ve convinced yourself you’re bad at public speaking, and it’s holding you back at work or stops you from giving a speech at your best friend’s wedding. Those protective thoughts can become automatic barriers, even when your circumstances have changed.

When you’re chronically ill, experiencing pain and crashes after activity can make you scared to try new experiences, even when your body might be capable of doing them on good days. And that’s completely understandable! But research shows that avoiding activities due to fear of symptoms can actually lead to more pain and disability, not less.

At the same time, there’s a fine line between being cautious of limiting beliefs and medical gaslighting.

Maybe you’ve been told your symptoms are “just in your head” or that you’d get better if only you’d work harder and ignore your worries. It hurts when medical professionals interpret your physical limitations purely as avoidance, and dismiss the pain, heart palpitations, breathlessness or nausea you experienced. Too many of us have felt that sting of being told to “push through” when doing so only made things worse.

And this isn’t just a feeling. Research confirms that ‘psychologizing’ – attributing physical symptoms to a psychological cause – is all too common for people living with ME/CFS, fibromyalgia, long COVID and POTS.

So while limiting beliefs definitely exist and you do not want them running the show, it’s equally important to respect your body’s real limits and set healthy, protective boundaries.

What do healthy boundaries look like?

Boundaries are physical or emotional limits you set to protect your wellbeing. It could be anything from putting away your screens one hour before bedtime to ensure a good night’s sleep to refusing to discuss politics, religion or triggering topics with certain people in your life.

Healthy boundaries can reduce stress and anxiety, while also giving you a sense of control over a situation.

When you’re living with chronic illness, healthy boundaries can look like giving yourself permission to say “no”, to take breaks whenever you need them and to adjust your plans based on how you feel each day. That’s not being undisciplined, but smart energy management. Science confirms that pushing past your limits without adequate recovery can lead to an increase of symptoms, more frequent crashes and longer recovery times.

How to Tell the Difference Between Limiting Beliefs and Healthy Boundaries

There is no exact science to spotting the difference between respecting your body’s limitations and holding yourself back out of fear for symptoms. And this process gets even harder when your health condition is highly unpredictable or you’re newly diagnosed, and you have less data available to rely on.

And remember, limiting beliefs aren’t just about avoidance. They also show up as pushing yourself too hard, because deep down you worry that stopping to rest will slow down your recovery from illness, or that others will think you’re lazy.

 So how do you know when you should listen to that worrisome voice in your head and when to ignore it?

Much depends on your unique situation, but here 5 clues to help you figure out whether you’re dealing with limiting beliefs or healthy boundaries.

1. Your past experiences

You’ve probably heard the saying “the past predicts the future’, and that’s true to an extent. The human brain is wired to look for patterns between actions and reactions to keep us safe. But the future isn’t set in stone, and even the smallest change can lead to a slightly different outcome.

Signs of limiting beliefs: Your fears and worries are based on just one of two bad experiences. Subconsciously, you make generalizations that this same problem will happen again, even in different situations, while overlooking other factors that could be playing a role too.

For example, you might think “Because I crashed after attending Sarah’s party, I will probably risk a flare-up at any party” without considering things like the type of event, whether you’re able to sit down or escape the noise, how far you have to travel and how well rested you feel.

Signs of healthy boundaries: You base your choices on consistent, repeated experiences that certain activities usually lead to post-exertional malaise or worsening of your symptoms, not on isolated events. You’re also aware of which adaptations you could make to reduce your chances of feeling bad the next day(s).

For example, after several social gatherings, you know that loud parties late at night will likely cause a flare-up, but sitting down with friends for a drink earlier in the evening is often doable for you.

Past experience provides valuable information, but it’s not a prophecy. Healthy boundaries adapt as your body and environment change.

2. The presence or absence of anxiety

Anyone who’s ever fainted in a crowded train, had serious heart palpitations mid-speech or could barely breathe during exercise knows how scary it can be to do those activities again. Even if you logically know that it was just a one-time incident, you may still try to avoid those situations or freeze when you do give them a try.

But there is a subtle difference between your body and brain remembering that scary event before your next speech/train ride/workout, and actively avoiding these kind of activities out of fear.

Signs of limiting beliefs: You act on fear without considering the context or exploring safety measures. For example, it makes sense to worry, “I’m scared to get on the train in case I faint again”, but if that thought keeps you from visiting your friend or taking a fun day trip, even on a relatively good day, you could be dealing with a limiting belief.

Signs of healthy boundaries: You may experience some anxiety, but you do not automatically act on it. To stick to the same example, you still worry, but you try to think of solutions, like avoiding rush hour and bringing medication or a friend for support to make your train ride feel safer.

Fear is a useful emotion to keep you safe, but when it becomes your default decision maker, it may be a sign of a limiting belief.

3. Your mental flexibility

As we’ve discussed above, past experiences can predict which activities or situations triggers symptoms, but life is never static. There are always small alterations to the patterns, that could lead to a slightly different outcome. And your ability to notice and adapt to those tiny nuances can be a clue whether you’re dealing with a limiting belief or a healthy boundary.

Signs of limiting beliefs: You stick to your convictions without considering potential changes in your situation, like fluctuations in your health. For example, you’re working hard on your recovery but you’re feeling too sick to stick to your workout protocols. You worry: “If I rest today, I’ll lose all progress, so I have to push through the pain.”

Signs of healthy boundaries: Your boundary can shift depending on how you’re feeling and other circumstances. For example, you comfort yourself with thoughts like “Rest is part of progress. I can pick up again tomorrow if my energy allows it.”

Rigidity often comes from fear, whereas mental flexibility can be a sign that you’re in tune with your body’s current condition.

4. The source of your validation

When you live with chronic illness, it’s easy to lose touch with your own sense of what’s ‘enough’. Doctors, concerned family members or even other spoonies online can unintentionally make you question your choices; whether you’re doing too much or too little. But your body, not other people’s opinions, is the most reliable feedback system you have.

Signs of limiting beliefs: If you make decisions to prove something to yourself or others, or you ignore your body’s warning signs because you don’t want to disappoint anyone, you might be caught in a limiting belief.

For example, everyone online is raving about how a certain diet or protocol transformed their health. And even though you feel even more exhausted and down than usual, you’re convinced you just have to keep trying a little longer, so you will see results too.

Signs of healthy boundaries: After all this time living with chronic illness, you trust your lived experience, even if it contradicts what everyone else is saying. You’re also able to say “no” to requests without over-explaining or extensive apologizing.

For example, you may respond to well-meaning advice: ‘I know exercising is great for our health. But my body responds too strongly to intense physical activity, so I’ll stick to gentle stretching and short walks for now. I will work my way up to a ‘real’ workout at my own time and pace, whenever my body’s ready.”

That voice in your head that wants to live up to outside expectations is often a limiting belief. Boundaries are rooted in inner knowledge. 

5. The outcome

A good way to tell whether you’re holding onto a limiting belief or setting a healthy boundary is by looking at how the choice feels afterwards.

Let’s say you’re supposed to meet friends for dinner, but you find yourself in that twilight zone of being able to go, yet not feeling great. You’re unsure whether you should give the socializing a try or stay home to avoid a possible crash. How would you feel canceling your plans?

Signs of limiting beliefs: You feel more regret than relief after saying no, and staying within your comfort zone doesn’t feel so good. Instead, you may struggle with guilt, start becoming passive (because what’s the point of making plans if you can never go?) or you’re sad that you’re missing out on opportunities that could be within your limitations.

Signs of healthy boundaries: Canceling plans leaves you feeling more balanced, because in the long run, you are preserving your energy, reducing flare-ups and recovering faster after tiring activities. Even though you wish you weren’t limited by your illness, you’re ok with making conscious choices about which people and activities are worth spending your limited energy on, and which conditions are required for you to make that happen.

Limited beliefs can leave you feeling drained or disconnected, while healthy boundaries nourish your self-respect. 

How to Safely Test Your Limits

Your health is always fluctuating, for better or worse, and so are your physical and cognitive limitations.

Even if you are fortunate enough to see health improvements, you may actual struggle to figure out how to test your old limitations and see if you can do things again now that you’re feeling a little better. It sounds easy: you just try it, right? But if being in big crowds always gave you sensory overload, migraine or trembling legs, it can feel a little scary to give it another go, knowing how tough the fallout could be.

So how can you safely experiment if something could actually be a limiting belief, or just not true anymore in your current condition? 

Again, that depends on your specific conditions, but these strategies could help:

1. Define your baseline. Which activities can you safely do without a crash afterwards, even on bad days? And for how long, under which conditions? To find this baseline, you can use activity logs, health journals and fitness trackers. Also note the kind and amount of rest you need to bounce back from activity again. You may also find it helpful to determine which environments or circumstances tend to lead to flare-ups of symptoms.

2. Come up with the next small step. Next, use your baseline to figure out which (very) tiny action you could take to stretch that limit. For example, if you’re struggling with vestibular problems, don’t hop on a boat or rollercoaster ride as an experiment, but try the escalators, a short bus ride or a busier-than-usual shop to gently test if you can manage that now.

3. Choose a relatively good day to experiment, if possible of course. You don’t want poor sleep, a stomach bug or sore muscles to confound the outcome of your ‘test’ if you can avoid it.

4. Learn how to reduce anxiety. Calming your nervous system through deep breathing and mindfulness or purposefully relaxing your muscles can be a great way to let your brain know it’s safe to do these activities now. However, if these soothing techniques do not ease anxiety-related symptoms like dizziness, nausea or a racing heart at all, it can be a sign that you’re not dealing with limiting beliefs but true physical and mental limitations that you need to honor.

5. Practice self-compassion. Healing is not linear. There are plenty of ups and downs to deal with, so you may have to lower your expectations. That doesn’t mean you can’t try again later. When you realize you need to keep certain boundaries (even if the people around you don’t understand why), treat yourself with the same kindness that you would comfort a good friend.

Telling the difference between limiting beliefs and healthy boundaries is a not an exact science. A lot depends on your unique situation. But when you start listening to your body, learning to interpret sensations and trusting yourself, it will becoming easier to sense the subtle nuance between not letting health anxiety hold you back and respecting your body’s needs.

For more helpful tips on sensing your limitations, check out ‘How Exactly Do You Listen to Your Body’ and ‘Why Pacing Beats Push-and-Crash Cycles’. Also learn how to set healthy boundaries and communicate then kindly but clearly to the people around you.