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It took me a long time to find the right words to describe that soul-aching frustration of not being able to be your full self because of your health. The knowing deep down of who you could be and what you could do if only your body and brains would cooperate. Your unfulfilled potential.
And I’m not talking about naively thinking you could have been an Olympian athlete, a multimillion dollar entrepreneur or the next Taylor Swift if only your situation had been different. No, it’s the feeling that you have the abilities and skills to be a great teacher, an active and involved parent or an adventurous friend, to bake delicious cakes, win that tennis match or get that part in your local theater’s play, but you simply lack the physical energy, mobility, brain power and emotional capacity to make these goal a reality.
The feeling of unfulfilled potential goes much deeper than dreams that may never come through. It’s also not being able to fully express your identity, like there’s a mismatch between how you feel inside and the way you can act upon your character and your interests. You truly believe that you could have been so much more ‘yourself’ if you wouldn’t be sick.
Of course, you shouldn’t idealize the scenario in which you were healthy. You still would have had challenges. You would not have been a glowing, cold-water-plunging runner with the perfect family and a spotless home. And chronic illness and disability are definitely not the only causes of unfulfilled potential. Generational poverty, discrimination, gender inequality, your upbringing, education and where you live, they all have an effect on the kind of opportunities and obstacles you’re faced with in life – and your chances of succeeding.
But there’s something deeply dissatisfying about being stuck in a body that doesn’t function the way it should, about being trapped inside a mind that’s going round and round in circles, dealing with anxiety and depression. It can feel invasive and permanent, and there’s no escaping your painful reality, all too often not even for a moment.
And contrary to what influencers, gurus and motivational slogans might have you believe, it’s not a matter of laziness or a lack of discipline stopping you. Limiting beliefs, self-doubt and staying within your comfort zone are also not the main reason you’re not tapping into your full potential. Sometimes you give it your all, you live healthily and do the inner work, and still a malfunction or imbalance in your body or brains gets in the way of you being your full self and living your best life.
You might have the strongest experience of unfulfilled potential when you’re a child, teenager or young adult living with a chronic illness. Those developmental phases of your life revolve around learning who you are, building skills and knowledge and experimenting with how you want to live life. And you miss those unique opportunities for self-exploration when you’re sick at home, limit by pain and symptoms, depending on your family for help with everyday tasks.
But even when you become seriously sick as an adult, you can still struggle with that feeling that you can so easily picture who you would have been and what you could have achieve if you would have stayed healthy.
As far as I know, there are no official strategies for how to deal with the frustration and disheartenment of unfulfilled potential, but here’s what’s helped me find acceptance and inner peace.
There can be meaning in the striving, even if you never completely reach your goal. I’ve always found hope and a sense of fulfillment in taking small steps towards my dreams, because to me, it’s easier to accept not realizing my dreams when I have given it my all. Once I’ve done all that’s possible given the circumstances, the outcome is out of my hands. But at least I tried, and I never had to wonder “what if“. You can read more practical tips on how to consistently make tiny improvements and reach for your dreams despite chronic illness by clicking the links.
At the same time, it’s important to realize there is no such thing as an ideal situation. When you’re in the midst of your own struggles, you can’t always see that everyone faces their own challenges and obstacles. Sure, some problems are bigger than others, and some of us can carry heavier loads than other. The timing of adversity matters too; early on or later in life; all at once, nicely spaced out or a trickling stream of difficulties. Some hurdles and handicaps are clearly visible, while others have more invisible crosses to bear. But in the end, we all have our own proverbial mountains to climb.
It also helps to look for silver linings. Ok, I do not have the most knowledge, prestigious training or traditional career milestones, but I do feel that living with chronic illness has made me more understanding, compassionate human and ultimately a better psychologist than without that experience. No, I would have not have chosen this path if I had had any say in it, but you can still ‘grow through what you go through’ and find some fulfillment of your potential in that.
In that spirit, don’t overlook all the small achievements you did make happen, whether that’s going from housebound to be able to go for a daily 5-min walk, regaining some independence or going back to work part-time. What’s more, when you think about your potential, you may picture getting degrees, running a marathon, writing a book or having some kind of outward success. But building resilience, determination and inner strength, being genuinely positive during tough times, growing empathy for others who are suffering or deepening your spirituality, all these ‘soft skills’ help you become the fullest version of yourself too.
Finally, to dissolve some of that unfulfilled potential, you can explore more doable ways to express your personality. You may need to tap into your creativity for out-of-the-box solutions, but there are multiple ways to fulfill underlying needs like fun, adventure and relaxation when chronic illness stops you from doing your usual activities. By experimenting with how to have hobbies, expressing your love, travel or study and work with chronic illness, you’ll uncover some new routes to being your optimal self and reaching your potential.
Have you ever experienced that feeling of unfulfilled potential? What helped you cope?
For more advice, check out How You Can Still Pursue Your Goals and Dreams When You’re Chronically Ill or search the archives for practical guidelines on getting things done with chronic illness.
